Obits

Obituaries need to be revamped. My opinion.

Have you spent much time reading these things?

Of course not, because they’re boring.

They’re all the same.

“So and so was born and such and such a date… and now he’s dead.”

And they always list the survivors like it’s a fucking plane crash.

And I swear some of these survivors aren’t even related.

“Todd was survived by Jim, the UPS guy.”

Where’s the flair? Where’s the drama?

You gotta hook people by the first sentence or they’re moving on.

I wanna know if this guy was an asshole.

I don’t understand when they use a picture from a thousand years ago. It really boggles my mind.

But they’re not foolin’ me. No 103 year old looks that good.

I wonder if your obituary is your official resume in Heaven? It’d be a shame if your dumbass kids used the photo of your younger self.

“Hmm, I see your photo here doesn’t match. LIAR! GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!”

Fuckin’ obituaries.